At my highest weight of 255 pounds, I found myself reminiscing on my old pictures almost daily, just wishing that I could be like that again. I told myself that I would kill to be that small again, and I was angry with myself for ever feeling self conscious at that size. I thought that if I could just get back down to where I was, all my self esteem issues would dissolve and I would never take my smaller body for granted like I had before.
Well, here I am at that weight, and I still feel fat. I still see the flaws in my body when I look in the mirror. It's strange, because it seems like no matter how much weight I lose, no matter how small my clothes are, I still see a fat girl in the mirror. My body is not what I thought it would be at this weight. I don't look the same as I did before I had gained weight. My belly is stretched, saggy, and really lumpy. It's foreign to me and I struggle with it often. My body has the same unappealing shape as it did when I was heavier, but it is just scaled down a bit. But the lumps and rolls are still there. It's frustrating to say the least.
Lately I've been trying to be more mindful of how I speak and think of myself. Sure, I feel fat and unattractive on some days. But other days I feel strong, confident, and proud of myself. It's easy to look in the mirror and only see my problem areas. But as much work as I still have to do to get to where I want, I can appreciate the body I'm in now. This body is strong! I mean shit, I've lost 70 pounds already. That doesn't happen without some effort. I've trained my body, built my strength and endurance, and I now feel a dedication to my body. I feel obligated to treat my body respectfully and appreciate where it has gotten me. I love this body.
My body is flawed. It's far from perfect and I know that even when the number on the scale is where I want it to be, my body will still be flawed. I will always be stretched out. I will always have stretch marks. I'll always have loose skin that reminds me of where I've been. And that's OKAY.
Here are some pictures I took earlier this morning. When I first saw them I cringed. Then I looked back at my first post and was in awe of how far I've come.