I'm back!

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted. I was 45 lbs down in my first post, and I am now a whopping 70 pounds down! I am officially back at my old "normal" weight of 185. I was this weight through high school and into college. I fluctuated occasionally, but 185 was always where I felt normal. Today I want to write about something really personal for me, and I think it's something that many people who are overweight can understand. That's right, I'm talking about insecurities. Body image. And how weight loss has affected mine.

At my highest weight of 255 pounds, I found myself reminiscing on my old pictures almost daily, just wishing that I could be like that again. I told myself that I would kill to be that small again, and I was angry with myself for ever feeling self conscious at that size. I thought that if I could just get back down to where I was, all my self esteem issues would dissolve and I would never take my smaller body for granted like I had before.

Well, here I am at that weight, and I still feel fat. I still see the flaws in my body when I look in the mirror. It's strange, because it seems like no matter how much weight I lose, no matter how small my clothes are, I still see a fat girl in the mirror. My body is not what I thought it would be at this weight. I don't look the same as I did before I had gained weight. My belly is stretched, saggy, and really lumpy. It's foreign to me and I struggle with it often. My body has the same unappealing shape as it did when I was heavier, but it is just scaled down a bit. But the lumps and rolls are still there. It's frustrating to say the least.

Lately I've been trying to be more mindful of how I speak and think of myself. Sure, I feel fat and unattractive on some days. But other days I feel strong, confident, and proud of myself. It's easy to look in the mirror and only see my problem areas. But as much work as I still have to do to get to where I want, I can appreciate the body I'm in now. This body is strong! I mean shit, I've lost 70 pounds already. That doesn't happen without some effort. I've trained my body, built my strength and endurance, and I now feel a dedication to my body. I feel obligated to treat my body respectfully and appreciate where it has gotten me. I love this body.

My body is flawed. It's far from perfect and I know that even when the number on the scale is where I want it to be, my body will still be flawed. I will always be stretched out. I will always have stretch marks. I'll always have loose skin that reminds me of where I've been. And that's OKAY.

Here are some pictures I took earlier this morning. When I first saw them I cringed. Then I looked back at my first post and was in awe of how far I've come.